Surrendered?

Just the other day I wrote “I Am Not My Own”. Today, I was reminded of that fact again because, in all truth, I forgot. Just that quick. And I know it’s not just me that can get a revelation of God and His truth today, and tomorrow have no memory of it.

I used to talk about the Israelites and how they grumbled and complained while in the desert. Not many days after leaving Egypt, loaded with gold and silver they’d effectively looted from the nation, they complained about a lack of provision. HELLO! Did you not see what God did back there? Have you already forgotten the plagues? Have you forgotten how God distinguished between you, His chosen people, and the Egyptians during those plagues? Have you already forgotten how the death angel passed over you and killed every other firstborn in Egypt? How could you so quickly forget who God is and complain?

Today, I ask myself the same thing. I’m not complaining; I’m just not doing. I have been blessed to be a housewife for many years now. Before our girls were born, I worked, often multiple jobs at once. However, once they were born, I focused my attention on raising them. Then when they got older and were in school, I went back into the workforce full-time, only to come out to help care for my parents. These decisions were all made with full support and the blessing of my husband. But I’m not doing what I should be doing to honor him and care for him and our daughters. I’m simply not a great housewife and I don’t like the example I’ve been setting for our girls.

But that’s not all. There is so much that I could be doing, that I should be doing. I have people who love me say it’s not a big deal because I already do so much. But it is a big deal. Besides, it’s not about what people think. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea, there are times when I do care what other people think – I have to. Especially if their thoughts, based on my actions or lack thereof, hinder them in some way. I am my brothers’ (and sisters’) keeper. But more important than what people think, is what God says.  James 4:17 (NIV) clearly states, “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

Last night at church, the preacher taught on church commitment. We are to be committed to and faithful to Christ and his body, which is the church. We can’t simply serve God when we feel like it or when it’s convenient for us. Outwardly, I get the job done. I’m very active in my local church and there are not many times I’ve been called on to do something to help the ministry or anyone where I’ve said no. But I tend to put it off and procrastinate and then have to do a rush job. God and His people deserve better. I deserve better because frankly, all this last-minute rushing is stressful. So why do I do it?

That my friends is the million-dollar question. I want to do the things I need to do (well, except maybe laundry.) I never plan to procrastinate. And I do plan. I have done to-do lists. I have purchased and even made agendas to plan out my day. But they all sit around and collect dust (that I plan to remove tomorrow.) I know it sounds simple but it’s really not. The “just do it” attitude has never caught on with me though I wish it could. Surrendering to the Holy Spirit and living the words of Galatians 2:20 would be ideal. It’s what I want more than anything. But I can’t seem to do it – not consistently anyway. I don’t know how to surrender. At the heart of the matter, I believe that is my problem. I am not my own, but I don’t know how to surrender to the one who owns me.

 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing…Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me…What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:15-25a NIV