Just Tired

 I know this is not something a good Christian is supposed to do, but I have to. I am throwing up my hands in surrender because I am tired. I mean, I’m a down in my bones tired. Every part of me – physical, mental, spiritual – all of that is just tired. I don’t feel like I have the strength to move forward, but I’ve got too much sense to turn back. Only, I’ve discovered that if you don’t move forward, by default you automatically drift back.

            Living for Christ in a world that both refuse to acknowledge Him or respect those that do is like rowing upstream. You’re working against the currents of society. But you know to float downstream is death. You row and you row until you feel you can row no more. But the moment you stop rowing, even if it’s just for a brief rest, you find yourself floating downstream, losing the ground you’d worked so hard to gain. It’s not what you want to do, but by simply not fighting the current, you float backward.

            That’s why it’s good to have some other people in your boat that can help you row.  People, who like you, want to live for Christ even when it’s not popular or easy. When one of you is tired, the other (or even better others) can continue to row against the tide while you pause and reconnect or do whatever you need to do to get the strength to row on. But what if you find yourself in a boat with other tired people? Or maybe worse, in a boat alone? Yep, we’ve got a problem.

            I don’t have answers. I don’t even really have questions. I just know I’m tired. It puts me in mind of a college statistics class I took online. I read the material and I studied, but absolutely nothing made sense. Every time I thought I was gaining an understanding I’d read the next section and it seemed to completely contradict the last section I finally thought I understood. I spoke to my professor to try and get help, but I didn’t understand enough to ask sensible questions. He and I were both frustrated because he couldn’t help me if I didn’t even know enough to know how to ask for help. Finally, I told him to forget it. I announced, “I serve a God that knows all things and He’s an excellent tutor.” Then I hung up the phone.

            After it dawned on me what I’d done, I went to God and said, “Lord, I drug you into my mess. I need you to back up what I said because it’s my grade on the line, but it’s also Your Name.” I don’t remember anything else about the class, but I do know I got an A. God did it.

            That also happened at a job I once had. I made it quite clear to everyone that I was a Christian. I didn’t preach to people with my words (unless they asked) but my life, my habits, my dealings with others, made it clear what I believed. Therefore, when my supervisor pulled me aside me my work was subpar, I panicked. Here I was, trying to make sure the life I lived glorified God and I was producing subpar work. There is no glory for God or anyone in that.

I was required to meet with my supervisor for extra training which caused my workload to fall to other coworkers. It wouldn’t take long before that extra work and stress caused them to curse both me and my God. I went home after two days of that and prayed. “Father God,” I said, “it’s your name on the line here. They know I belong to you. If I can’t do my job and cause them to have more work, they are not going to want anything to do with either of us. I need you to intervene and give me understanding.” Miraculously, He did. The change was so immediate that my supervisor wanted to know what I’d done. I put my hands together and bowed my head. Her response, “Too bad I can’t put that in a training manual!”

I suppose that’s what I have to do here now. Pray and remember, if He did it before He can and will do it again. I don’t know how He’ll get me rowing properly again. Maybe He’ll put some strong rowers in my boat, or have another boat going my way toss me a tow rope, or maybe He’ll supernaturally increase my strength. Whatever gets done, at this point, He’ll be the one to do it and therefore, He will get all the glory.