I Trust You

Sitting just a moment ago, I was watching the television show, “BetterTogether” on TBN. I had been flipping through channels and heard the words, “Pray he dies.” What!? But that’s what the panelist said because that’s what had been said to her concerning her son who was born with some “challenges.” I was fully tuned in now and was blessed by their many testimonies. But what stuck with me most was when someone said something along the lines of, “Faith is not based on God’s past performance, but on relationship with Him.”

But let’s back up to, “Pray he dies.” Hearing those words took me back to Norfolk Naval Station where my OB doctor in Germany had sent me after hearing I’d returned to the states for a family emergency. The clinic called me up in North Carolina and told me some tests revealed there was a problem with my unborn child, and I needed to get to the nearest military hospital. (Norfolk wasn’t the closest but that’s where I was directed.)

Upon arrival at the naval hospital, I was ushered into a room and told I needed to abort my child. Blood work showed this baby would have spinal bifida and likely would not live beyond three months. If by some miracle, life extended further, it would be a life of pain and disabilities. I refused to heed the doctor’s advice. I also refused further testing knowing those tests could cause a spontaneous abortion.  That child they said to abort is now twenty-four and thriving! I trusted God to do what He thought was best and He gave me a beautiful, intelligent daughter who was an honor student and has never suffered from a disability.

The Lord God has blessed me with two beautiful daughters and an amazing testimony on the birth of each one. According to the doctors, neither should be here. But God… I trusted Him and I called on Him and He answered me. No, I didn’t get the “yes”  I desired each time I’ve called on God. Though both of my daughters are miracles, there were eight other pregnancies where God said, “No. Not this time.” I would like to say I trusted Him through all the “nos”, but I didn’t. My trust, my faith, grew as I grew closer to Him. I can now say my faith is not based on past results but on relationship. I know my Father and I trust Him.

Shortly before my diagnosis of breast cancer, I came across a framed poem I had written back in 2016. I honestly don’t remember writing it (very seldom do I remember my writings) but the words resonated when I read it. I placed it on my nightstand and read it daily, often out loud. I even when so far as to make it the screen saver on my phone. Then on that fateful April day when they said breast cancer, it was already in my heart and mind:

I Trust You

When I can’t see the

beginning from the end

I trust You.

When I don’t know

the next step to take

I put my trust in You.

When my path

grows narrow and dark

I look up and

remember who You are

And my Father, my Lord

My God

I trust You.

Yes, I’m grateful for the many testimonies and miracles God has worked in my life, and I’m fully expecting another concerning my cancer diagnosis and more. But more than anything, I’m grateful for a relationship where I can truthfully say, “Father God, no matter what You do or don’t do, I trust You.”

If you don’t feel you can say the same, I’d love to talk to you…