I Give Up

Well, it appears I’m back from my self-imposed hiatus. I once loved to write; couldn’t help but write. Then I published a book. It was not at all what I thought it would be – though honestly, I don’t know what I thought it would be. I was just trying to be obedient to the call of God.

Like Peter, I clearly heard Him say, “Come.” And I did. I came out of hiding and writing only for my enjoyment and the small group that would hear me do an occasional poem at church. But, again like Peter, I took my eyes off Jesus and began to sink. Unfortunately, unlike Peter, I didn’t immediately cry out, “Lord, save me.” I floundered around trying to save myself, growing weaker with each dip beneath the surface of the water, listening to folks standing safely on the shore screaming, “Girl, you can do this. You are good. You don’t need them telling you what to do. You got this.” I believed the hype. All the while, Jesus is standing by patiently waiting for me to cry out to Him and ask Him for help.

(Just a side journey here: Do you ever hate it that Jesus is such a gentleman? Am I the only one that wishes every now and then He’d just make me? I guess that’s not politically correct in the #metoo era but be assured, it’s only Jesus I want to force me against my will. Now, where were we?)

So, Jesus is waiting for me to pray and ask for help, but I’m a strong black woman and I can do it on my own. All my fans say so. But alas, my fans are not drowning in pride and flat-out stupidity. I drifted so far from where I was supposed to be, so far from Christ. No, I didn’t lose my salvation. I lost the intimacy I once enjoyed with my Savior, my Lord, my best friend.

Pride is what got Satan kicked out of Heaven. He became full of himself and boasted he’d exalt himself above the Most-High. I never spoke those words. I never even thought them. But when I decided I could do life on my own, I exalted myself above the Most-High. Looking back at the example of Peter, I’m reminded of a lifeguard sharing a vital part of his training.

Apparently, lifeguards are trained to only try to save drowning victims when they stop trying to save themselves. In other words, so long as a victim is floundering around kicking and fighting to stay afloat, the lifeguard shouldn’t attempt to save them or they may potentially be pulled under. As my Jesus did for me, they stay at the ready (and nearby) but until the victim gives up trying to save self, they won’t move it. Jesus, I give up. I’m tired and I finally see I’m incompetent. Yes, there are gifts in me, but apart from You, I can do nothing. Without your touch, your grace, your anointing, I am nothing. So, Jesus, I surrender. Save me and then use me as you please.